Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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