mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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