I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
