Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
