anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
