I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
