I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
