my shit smells like andre
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My vagina is very pro this idea
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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