i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
