the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There's always time for handjobs
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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