She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
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currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
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You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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