Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
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It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
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Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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