Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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