Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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