the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
