Four minutes until I can fart!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
