I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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