Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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