just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
