he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
