i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
