She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
