I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You took a bar mat shot.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
