I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
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his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
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I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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