if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
