Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
