i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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