I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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