and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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