Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
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it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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