i need an iv and a liver transplant
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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