Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
