I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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