my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
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she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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