he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
