How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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