I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize