is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
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I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
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The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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