i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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