You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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