...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
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