I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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