Where did you get a picture of my penis
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
