Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
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I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
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he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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