you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
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the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
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Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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