his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
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It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
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Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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