Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.