I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
