i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
