Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
