I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
