She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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