I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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