I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
