I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
vagina is talking i cant
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
