pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
