Plan B is the new Plan A
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
